“…do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on” (Matthew 6:25)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for his Highest is the most divinely inspired book, outside of the Bible, I’ve ever come across. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve struggled with an internal conflict and then flipped open this book to a random page only to find a direct message from God that addresses the exact matter I was struggling with. The pages of my copy are covered with exclamations that attest to the supernatural accuracy with which this book has managed to scold me, inspire me, bring me comfort, give me wisdom, and above all put me in direct communication with the almighty. I truly believe that God speaks to you through the channel of communication that most suits you – I’m a man of letters, so God speaks to me through books.

Despite trying to minimize my exposure to news media, I can’t help but prick my ears to the news of misfortune that circulates around us like a maelstrom of despair: the lay-offs, the business closures, whole families left without a single source of income, the deaths, etc. While not immediately affected upon hearing these things, I would, however, catch myself in random moments feeling like the world is collapsing around me an that I may not be able to continue providing for my family. In those moments, the beautiful innocent faces of my little children are torturous reminders of the fragility of life.

With winter coming, and not being able to go to stores to purchase some warm outfits for my growing children, I ordered online and the delivery came yesterday. As I unpacked the clothes, instead of feeling grateful for these blessed provisions, I felt a crushing and debilitating sadness. All I could think about was that this might be the last time we can buy clothes. As I went about the rest of my day this question kept echoing in my mind: what if this is the last time I can support my son’s passion for computer science by purchasing this piece of software, or what if we can no longer keep buying our little girl the puzzles she loves so much?

I recently replaced some musical equipment that was stolen a few months ago and the moment I took delivery, the same emotional torrent crashed over me. Should you be spending money on your hobby while you have a family to take care of? You and your wife are among the privileged few that can work during this time, but that can change at any moment. How are you going to feel when your income dries up and you can no longer feed your family because you bought a new amp for your guitar? Crushing thoughts that completely arrest me and leaves me raw inside. Above all, it robs me of enjoying the blessings I’m receiving right now. My fear of the future, kills the joy of today.

And then, I open Oswald’s book to a random page and read the following from a passage entitled ‘Our careful Unbelief’:

Don’t take the pressure of provision upon yourself. It is not only wrong to worry, it is unbelief; worrying means that we do not believe that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything but those details that worry us.

How can this not be divinely inspired? This spoke directly and perfectly to my condition and allowed me to take a deep spiritual breath of relief. This is by no means permission to live irresponsibly with the resources God has blessed us with, but it is permission to live, really live, in the now. It is permission to experience the joy of the present, without tainting it with the burdens of a future that may not come to pass. Oswald goes on to explain that while the concerns of future strife steals our present joy, these ‘little worries’ also chokes the Word of God in our lives and robs us of his divine inspiration.

Until next time, be present and enjoy the blessing of now. Also, realize and truly internalize the principle of unbelief: if you allow little worries to choke the light out of your life, you are exclaiming that God does not have the ability to care for your needs. Easier said than done, but a practice we need to adopt if we want to truly live.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” (Exodus 14:14)

Exodus 14:14 is one of those verses that just will not leave me alone – it hounds me everywhere I go. During this whole Covid-19 thing, it is as if the world just got louder and the more we speak, strategize, plan, debate and speculate, the less forward motion there seems to be and the higher the death-rate climbs. It’s as if we are meant to realise how completely and utterly helpless we are and that no amount of human ingenuity will save us from this situation. The ‘curve’ will not flatten because we wish it so and while the common-sense measures pertaining to hygiene and social distancing will no doubt prove a hindrance in the virus’ path of destruction, it will not ‘save’ humanity. Among the cacophony of informed opinion, scientific commentary and opportunistic political rhetoric, all I can hear are God’s words to the Israelites: you have only to be silent.

I think that as a species supposedly occupying the ‘top of the food chain’ we want to believe that we are in control and that we create our own destinies. We do things, things are not done to us. We force our will on nature, it does not force its will on us. The prevalent humanistic world-view of this age is that we are the omnipotent masters of our realities and that victim-hood is ‘old hat’. “Own your life,” they say. But then a minuscule single-cell organism comes along and carries a hundred-thousand of us away. Just like that. A silent and violent murderer that robs you of the very air you breathe and which doesn’t even have the decency to look you in the eye as it sends you to your maker. An uncivilized death, for ‘civilized’ people.

It’s almost funny to see that despite our self-professed and dearly defended individuality we all go through the stereotypical stages of grief –denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance– as if we’re textbook subjects. We all start with the disbelief (This isn’t happening!); then go on to the kicking-and-screaming phase where we vow to fight and refuse to let this thing get us down (I won’t let this get me!); then we negotiate with God and ourselves (If I’m good, will I survive?); followed by the realization that we can’t make this go away and the depression that comes from hopelessness (This is so unfair!); and then it fades into the nothingness of acceptance (I don’t care anymore!). Some of us linger a little longer in the kicking-and-screaming phase and some progressed too quickly to a state of hopelessness, but collectively as a species we ride the same wave of grief.

God started talking to me during the early stages of the pandemic when I was still shrugging this off as another swine-flu, bird-flu, or Ebola. Something that wouldn’t come to my door. He really started poking me in the chest when I got angry at this thing and incessantly watched the news only to critique the efforts of the ‘idiots in charge’ — it made me feel like I still had some control over my life. And then, when the fear struck me and the picture-show in my head started replaying worst-case scenarios on a loop, I got a smack on the forehead.

Now is not the time for action. Now is not the time for planning and strategy. Now is not the time for logic and reasoning. Now is the time to be still and KNOW that I am YOUR GOD and I will do the fighting for you…

So, I look up and it’s the 28th of February! My last post was on the 6th of January! I was hoping to post after each week of Bible study but haven’t even started a structured study-plan yet! This is witch-craft!

Not really, but sort of. The reality is that if you don’t stop and prioritize spending time with God you will just put it off until you look up one day and a month, a year, or even a life-time is gone. It’s not as if I didn’t pray or read the Bible, or devotional texts, at all this year, but the aim was to make it purposeful part of my day – not something I do if I happen to wake up early enough or have some time left after we put the kids to bed. The reality is the only structured devotional time I have in my day is when I pray with the kids at bed-time and our son reads to us from his children’s page-a-day devotional. Just as a side-bar, I’ve lost count of the number of times God has spoken directly to me to me through this children’s book — and hearing it in the voice of my 10-year old son makes it all the more powerful.

My biggest challenge is time. I work a full-day and have a 4-hour (2-hour each way) commute. That’s the reality of my life. I try to make the most of my commute by listening to Christian books and the Bible on Audible, but I’m just not getting any quality devotional time from this. I need quiet God time. I crave it! I could get up an hour earlier … but, I just cannot seem to get it right. I fall asleep exhausted, and get up feeling equally exhausted. God has addressed me directly on this issue — as in, he’s used every possible communication channel to tell me that this is something I MUST DO. He’s all but yelled at me regarding the matter:

• He talks to me in an obscure Petra song that I haven’t heard in 20 years. The lyrics from their song Sleeping Giant (from their 1993-album Wake Up Call) echoes in my head all day: Can you hear the alarm echo down the hall? The sleeping giant gets a wake up call. Awake from your sleep ’cause it’s time to stand tall. The sleeping giant gets a wake up call.
• In February, three consecutive days in My Utmost for His Highest (the Oswald Chambers daily devotional) calls on the reader to Stand Up to battle despair, depression and disillusionment (the three D’s that keep me down and ‘asleep’).
• The last three daily devotionals my son read at bed-time asks the reader to act with God’s guidance and to “take the first step”.

We blame all the overtly evil things in this world on the Devil, but I think that inaction — the weakness of the flesh — is perhaps the most harmful to the children of God as it ties you up in things (including snugly duvets) that keeps you busy or occupied without promoting forward movement. So, maybe the fact that I haven’t posted in nearly two months is witch-craft.

Ultimately, however, the call is on all of us to Stand Up — literally and figuratively. I’ll take up this challenge in the days that follow. I pray that God grants me the strength to shake off the blankets and cobwebs at 5 a.m. so I can spend some quality time with him.

Welcome to the Cross Tattoo Blog! Before delving into my first post, please read my scribblings in the About this Blog section.

Any armchair tattoo historian will tell you that while this particular form of body modification predates the dawn of civilisation, it was the American sailors of the late 1800’s who really popularised the practice and established the art form as we know it today. While the art of tattooing has evolved dramatically since then, the ‘archetypal’ maritime tattoos, a part of the canon of American Traditional tattoos, are still alive and well today and displayed proudly on the bodies of bikers, hipsters, and housewives the world over. For the sailors of the day, however, these tattoos were not meant to be worn as fashion accessories – they were badges of honour that had to be earned. The symbolism used in these tattoos silently communicated the achievements of the wearer to the maritime community. A tattoo of a single swallow, for instance, was an indication of 5000 miles nautical miles travelled while an anchor indicated the sailor had crossed the Atlantic, and crossed cannons marked military service. Even though the original meanings of this tattoo symbolism is largely irrelevant today, I found personal relevance in one of the earliest maritime tattoos. The words Hold Fast were tattooed across the knuckles to remind the wearer to remain steadfast regardless of the weather and to, well, hold on tightly to the oars or ropes they were handling. There was a time in my life when I needed to be reminded of this simple, yet powerful, motto, so I went ahead and got this tattoo.

To me, as to the early sailors, the words Hold Fast serves as more than a reminder to persevere in the face of adversity, it also means publicly acknowledging that you are not always holding fast, and that you struggle with weakness at times (or damn near all the time!). In my spiritual life, this held great significance for me as there is an unspoken expectation in the Christian community that one must appear to be strong or at least coping with whatever life throws at you. By openly displaying weakness and vulnerability, one may be perceived as unbelieving in the strength of God. This is a prime example of where the denominational culture (rules, behavioural attributes, promulgated by a denomination) directly contradicts the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12: 9 – 10, Paul writes:

“I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities, for when I am weak, then I am strong“.

While this exclamation by Paul is by no means an isolated occurrence in the Bible [See 1 Corinthians 10:13; Romans 5:3-5], as Christians the perception is there that we cannot be seen as faltering or uncertain or questioning or struggling with our faith. Are these not the very things Paul tells us to boast about? Is the Bible not clear that we are instructed to reveal these very imperfections in our characters and display our struggles with the practicalities of discipleship so that we may create space for God to work in us?

At the heart of it, that is what I’m aiming to achieve with this blog – I want to create a space where I can imperfectly reflect on my struggles and weaknesses as I attempt to forge a path to authentic Christ-followership. Most importantly, I want to do this without oversight or guidance from any Christian authority. Like my heroes, Watchman Nee and Witness Lee, I want to get into the ‘work’ or prayer and Bible study so that I may learn how to establish an authentic relationship with God that is unfiltered in every conceivable way.

Until next time, Hold Fast and ‘tattoo’ these words from Jeremiah 29:11 on your heart:

“For I know the plans I have for you, … , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope”.