Month: May 2020

Unbelief!

“…do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on” (Matthew 6:25)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for his Highest is the most divinely inspired book, outside of the Bible, I’ve ever come across. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve struggled with an internal conflict and then flipped open this book to a random page only to find a direct message from God that addresses the exact matter I was struggling with. The pages of my copy are covered with exclamations that attest to the supernatural accuracy with which this book has managed to scold me, inspire me, bring me comfort, give me wisdom, and above all put me in direct communication with the almighty. I truly believe that God speaks to you through the channel of communication that most suits you – I’m a man of letters, so God speaks to me through books.

Despite trying to minimize my exposure to news media, I can’t help but prick my ears to the news of misfortune that circulates around us like a maelstrom of despair: the lay-offs, the business closures, whole families left without a single source of income, the deaths, etc. While not immediately affected upon hearing these things, I would, however, catch myself in random moments feeling like the world is collapsing around me an that I may not be able to continue providing for my family. In those moments, the beautiful innocent faces of my little children are torturous reminders of the fragility of life.

With winter coming, and not being able to go to stores to purchase some warm outfits for my growing children, I ordered online and the delivery came yesterday. As I unpacked the clothes, instead of feeling grateful for these blessed provisions, I felt a crushing and debilitating sadness. All I could think about was that this might be the last time we can buy clothes. As I went about the rest of my day this question kept echoing in my mind: what if this is the last time I can support my son’s passion for computer science by purchasing this piece of software, or what if we can no longer keep buying our little girl the puzzles she loves so much?

I recently replaced some musical equipment that was stolen a few months ago and the moment I took delivery, the same emotional torrent crashed over me. Should you be spending money on your hobby while you have a family to take care of? You and your wife are among the privileged few that can work during this time, but that can change at any moment. How are you going to feel when your income dries up and you can no longer feed your family because you bought a new amp for your guitar? Crushing thoughts that completely arrest me and leaves me raw inside. Above all, it robs me of enjoying the blessings I’m receiving right now. My fear of the future, kills the joy of today.

And then, I open Oswald’s book to a random page and read the following from a passage entitled ‘Our careful Unbelief’:

Don’t take the pressure of provision upon yourself. It is not only wrong to worry, it is unbelief; worrying means that we do not believe that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything but those details that worry us.

How can this not be divinely inspired? This spoke directly and perfectly to my condition and allowed me to take a deep spiritual breath of relief. This is by no means permission to live irresponsibly with the resources God has blessed us with, but it is permission to live, really live, in the now. It is permission to experience the joy of the present, without tainting it with the burdens of a future that may not come to pass. Oswald goes on to explain that while the concerns of future strife steals our present joy, these ‘little worries’ also chokes the Word of God in our lives and robs us of his divine inspiration.

Until next time, be present and enjoy the blessing of now. Also, realize and truly internalize the principle of unbelief: if you allow little worries to choke the light out of your life, you are exclaiming that God does not have the ability to care for your needs. Easier said than done, but a practice we need to adopt if we want to truly live.

Stand still!

Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:38-39

One of my earliest memories is of a time I felt close to drowning. I was about 5 years old standing in shallow waters. My father is with me and the excited laughter and screaming of the children around me make me anxious and afraid. I feel the under-currents of the ocean tugging on my legs ever stronger as my father leads me deeper into the water. I let go of his hand — too afraid to go any further. The currents suddenly jerk me off my feet and my head goes under the water. For a long moment I’m caught in a maelstrom of swirling water and sand. I get my feet under me. My heart races and I can hear myself crying. I try to raise my voice over the noise, screaming for my father to take my hand. He smiles at me and beckons me to him. Urging me to come deeper. I regain some balance and try to step forward. The current swirls strongly around my feet and when I try to wade forward I lose my balance again and go under. Rolling and tumbling under the water I crash into the bodies standing around me. Someone pulls me erect. I’m disorientated but make out my father’s green bathing suit in the distance. I desperately trudge in his direction but the current threatens to pull me under again. Panicking now, I turn around and try to run towards the beach where I can make out my mother, standing with my baby sister on her hip. They’re waving at me. I dislodge my feet from the deep mud sucking me down. I lift my knees high as I try to sprint. I fall. Smacking my face hard on the water’s surface. I cry hysterically. My little body fills with dread as the undercurrents toss me around like a rag-doll. I regain my stance with difficulty spewing salt water from somewhere deep inside of me.

Then a clarity and a calmness settles on me and I realize that if I stand firmly, the swirling currents around my legs will keep me upright and steady. As long as I stand still. Allowing my body to sway with the currents but not daring to step out of the maelstrom swirling around my ankles. To survive the storm I must experience the storm. There is a process at play here.

In one swift move my father plucks me from my hold and tosses me into the air. He catches me high above his head and smiles up at me. He draws me to his chest and walks out of the sea. The water sprays against my back as his legs cuts through the ebb of the tide.

I was safe, but that feeling of hopeless dread was deeply carved into my soul. I would feel it many times after that and all throughout my life — and particularly now when the world seems darker than ever. The panic, the desperation, the hopelessness, the blood rushing to my head, draining from everywhere else … and then I steady myself. I stand still. Remembering to shift and move with the water. I would be safe if I remained in the middle of the maelstrom. Allowing the currents to steady me. As an adult, a man of forty with the responsibilities of family and work, and facing the uncertainties of this age, I feel the maelstrom threatening my balance more than ever.

When I think about that day, my mind goes to Jesus sleeping peacefully on the boat while the storm raged around him. I can imagine his body moving with the boat as it rode the waves up and down. Un-tethered, but unafraid. A man sleeping on a boat in a storm; a man still in the midst of turmoil. The message of the story always puzzled me. When I was younger I thought that Jesus was trying to teach his disciples to ignore the storm. Lately, I’ve been thinking he was trying to teach them how to keep faith despite the storm.

Did the 5-year old me forget the storm raging around his feet when he saw his father? Or, did the storm no longer matter when my salvation came into view?

I want to believe the latter.

Remember that the only way out, is through.

Blessings, till next time…